A General Statement / email from Pak

Dear Prime Minister Manmohan Singh/Atal Bihari Vajpayee/Narasimha Rao /Rajiv Gandhi, 

Pakistan strongly condemns / is shocked by / is pleasantly surprised with the success of our "freedom fighters" in the loss of dozens / hundreds / thousands / millions of innocent lives in the bomb blasts /sniper attack / hijacking / religious riots / other disaster that occurred in a busy marketplace / train /housing colony / Indian parliament building / an upper-class hotel / temple in Mumbai / Delhi / Kashmir/ Assam / Punjab / Gujarat / Other. 

 The Pakistani citizens / soldiers / "freedom fighters" / "friendship agents" / students who were caught red-handed / found dead at the scene of the crime / convicted of the crime are actually undercover Indian / American / Israeli agents. Any Pakistanis proven to be guilty of terrorism will be rewarded handsomely/ dealt with severely / promoted to Lt. Colonel / given a new Indian passport and sent back to India /handed over to the Americans as proof of our commitment in the war on terror. 

 

There are no Pakistani army-funded training camps / terrorist camps / madrasaas in Azad Kashmir /Afghanistan / Nepal / Bangladesh. The satellite images / photographs / eyewitness accounts / videotaped confessions obtained by the Indians is fraudulent / fake / inconclusive / are actually from Indian terrorist camps and part of a larger RAW / CIA conspiracy to destabilize the Pakistani government by stalling democracy / encouraging sectarian violence / undermining Pakistani institutions / causing the next military coup in Pakistan. A destabilized Pakistani government / mafia could cause Pakistan to become a dangerous nuclear WalMart / Target / Seven-Eleven and a terrorist breeding ground / university /research lab that would be worse for the world. 

 

We hope this will not derail the peace process started with the recent India-Pakistan cricket series /Lahore bus yatra / Muzafarabad-Srinagar road opening / Bollywood peace concert / open borders initiative / other confidence-building measures. We look forward to justifying further attacks against innocent civilians / resolving the core issue of Kashmir / developing best-of-breed plausible deniability defenses. 

 

We stand by / are plotting against our Indian brethren in their hour / days / years / decades of pain. 

 

Signed, 

 

 Asif Ali Zardari [alias Mr. 10%] / Parvej Musharraf/ Nawaj Sharif/Benazir Bhutto
President, Pakistan / Prime Minister/ Chief Operating Officer, Taliban Inc. / General, Pakistani Army